10 months later I finally got my act together and am able to think about it, talk about it, remember those magical days! Here is Magnus’ birth story:
I think that, now, four months later [I started writing this down 6 months ago!] I’m starting to heal from Magnus’ birth. I’ve finally gathered the strength to talk about it. It was such an intense and special moment in our lives, I don’t want to forget the details.
On the day we were scheduled I woke up an hour early to feel my baby move and kick inside of me one last time. I had enjoyed my pregnancy and, most of all, my belly in ways I never expected I would.
So, it’s 4am and I have a whole hour to just enjoy my baby, cuddle with my belly, talk to my little love. At around 5am I jumped in the shower. Magnus and I have had plenty of conversations about how it was almost time we would meet. I try preparing my baby, and myself, the best I could.
In the shower, I told him: it’s you and me today! We are going to make this happen! Courage! I can’t wait to meet you!
After getting ready we met with Bret’s parents at the hospital! (I must inform you, this was the last time I did my hair, nails, wax, full makeup, because now – there is no time!!!) Michelle was also there to capture the most intense moments of our lives.
We checked in, I got changed into my green flowery robe. I really didn’t want to wear those sad hospital gowns. This was such a happy moment, I wanted to feel happy and cheery and not like I was sick.
The nurses started preparing me for surgery. I had pretty fantastic nurses who talked to me and calmed me down when I was really terrified of a major surgery!
We talked to doctors and the anesthesiologist and really got scared with the description of it all, what could go wrong, etc. I prefer not to focus on the negative! During very important moments, the mind is your leader, I prefer my mind to be in a positive, good place! Everything goes well when you are focusing on the best.
It felt like quickly it was the time to go to the operating room. (I had tons of anxiety diarrhea before leaving my room! I was terrified!)
In Brazil you are wheeled there in your bed like a sick person. In America you walk to the battlefield. I like that! It’s already a much more positive attitude towards what is about to happen.
I was terrified. I cried a little. I was really afraid of what was coming. After I had my IV on, the anesthesiologist probably gave me something to calm my nerves and soon I was feeling brave and super nice!
I entered the room alone, I was absolutely high, my memories of this moment are super fussy, had to get my epidural (my biggest fear on the whole thing was the epidural), I sat there in that uncomfortable position, bending over my belly, alone. I really felt alone and scared here! Bret was outside. But the nurses who were with me were so positive and kind. They really make the whole experience so much more calmer and better.
Once Bret entered the room, I was high, happy, I wasn’t preoccupied, just enjoying myself and excited to meet my baby. I told him things like: “Bret, I’m feeling all the feelings” (with a huge smile), and “Can you believe we did this? We made a baby from scratch.”!
They had started the surgery, when they were ready to pull out the baby they announced they would do so. Michelle entered the room and started capturing the most incredible images of my life.
At some point I felt a lot of tugging and pulling and I learned (later) I vomited a little. I have no memory of vomiting. I saw in Michele’s pictures I had vomited.
Once they were ready, they lowered the blue fabric that covered my abdomen and left only a transparent plastic so I could see the baby coming out. I thought that was amazing. From all our requests for a Gentle Cesarian, this was one of the best features.
(How amazing is it that I write this here, in bed, holding my little’s hand?!)
They pulled Magnus out, Bret announced we had a BOY (!!!!) and all I could think of was about how long he was! He was a long, big baby! It felt like it took an eternity to pull him out. I have the image of seeing him for the first time burned in my mind. I’ll never forget that moment, baby boy.
Bret told me later, the first thing Magnus did when they pulled him out was to pee on my chest. I thought that was hilarious, I’m sad I missed that moment. I was so emotional, I couldn’t see much of anything.
They took Magnus away to be cleaned, weighted, etc and Bret joined him. I couldn’t wait to see more of him, I was so happy and excited he was here! I cried with true happiness!
Bret tells me here is where he gets bad news that Magnus needs to go to the NICU – I didn’t know any of this yet.
After its all over, they placed Magnus on my chest, we were taken to our room and were ready to meet the grandparents.
Here is where, if I could, I would have paused time. I wanted to be alone with my husband and my baby and enjoy him a little. Only the 3 of us. It didn’t happen. In fact, it was not only the 3 of us for quite a long time.
We were wheeled back to our room, Magnus met all his grandparents and my mother took over the show. She would push the baby on my breast, force things… I understand she was trying to help us get on with the breastfeeding – but I would appreciate to have things happen on a more natural, organic way. I felt violated. My moments with my baby were being taken away from me.
Becoming a mother has been, without doubt, the most confusing moment of my entire life. As a new mom, I have no idea what I’m doing, I spend my nights awake wondering if the baby is (insert here – happy, hungry, comfortable, in pain, rested, safe…). It’s a very lonely moment of my existence.
Weird facts about Magnus’ birth:
- The doctor had to use a vaccumm to help pull Magnus out! He was really high up my belly!
- I lost an absurd amount of blood during surgery due to the placenta prévia. Instead of the normal max. 2l. I lost 15l.
- Magnus was born such a big dude all the nurses would say: good for you (for having a cesarean).
- Bret saw my intestines in the operating table and a river of blood on the floor when he was called to see the baby! How weird is that?!